WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Post about last sunday to appear soon. this is just here for filler and suspense :)

Family 2/2 maybe 2/3

So, back to the wall.  There's a nice 6x6 hole in my bedroom/closet wall.  My thumb is swollen from taking a huge chunk of the wall all by itself, and can't move it.  I'm literally vibrating with rage that i havent felt since early/mid april. and it scared the piss out of me.  i thought i had changed, i thought i was done with that old part of me, i thought i knew when to be angry, i thought i was better.  My hand, my wall, my mind, and body said otherwise at that moment. as i sat there trying to move my thumb, all i felt was disgrace, failure, nothing God gave me...

I texted josh about my thumb once i thought we had both calmed down enough. Had him pull my thumb back in place/relive pressure.  we sat down, he looked at the wall, and back at me and immediately knew something was really, really wrong.  we sat and talked for a bit about my family, and pretty much admitted to him that he's always been my best friend, my closest family, and my brother.
***
to give background, i've been working since i was 14 or so. my first job i got from a guy at my old church.  he needed someone competent that could fix things.  my first job, i was given five employees, and a management title.  my parents have never really been there for me, so this gave me my own life away from them, to forget about them.  worked 8-4 every day, made tons of money.  hung out with friends, lived with them almost.  School started back, gave up that job, money was still there, even got into college with that money.  when i moved out into the dorms at SPSU my mom flat out said don't come home anymore.

As for josh, i met him senior year of high school, and always felt drawn towards him. To be 100% honest it confused the hell out of me.  for the first year we knew each other we would hang out and play video games together all the time, even when we got to college. him at GSU and me at SPSU. both of us leading secret lives that we never really knew about until recently(year or so, and i still have things to clear up on my end) josh, since summer between high school and college, has been the closest friend i've ever had.  He would stay with me on thursday nights at SPSU, then we would go to his parents house for the weekend to do laundry and eat amazing food.  His family sheltered me, loved me, fed me, even clothed me a few times.  They still do.  His family essentially adopted me.  They started calling me their other son.

my family...well, they continued saying "don't come home" up until the next summer, in which they reluctantly let me move back in. however, i found a job as a contractor, and soon returned to my normal routine of never being home.  In earlier posts i typed out a breif version of my testimony.  summed up version for the sake of context and time. I owe everything i have to Josh and God.  he was the only person that could have saved me, and he did.
***
back to the story.  i talked about how frustrating it is to spend time with my family, then see/spend time with a Godly, wholesome family.  to see what i *should* be.

it was like throwing barrels of gunpowder into a small room.  josh and i's argument was the catalyst that set it all off...spiritual warfare at its most underhanded best.

I've made it a point that when/if i raise a family, i will NOT let it end up like my current.  i REFUSE to fail where my parents did, my failures may be close my but success with dwarf theirs.  i will raise my family with Christ, not man.  the accomplishments of man is a pile of steaming manure compared to God's.  I cannot fail with God as the center of my family, I cannot fail at anything with God as the focus.

Currently my life is crumbling because i am still holding on to what I want. not what He wants.  I'm searching for things he has told me not to.  I want things He has forbidden.  I'm looking in all the wrong places as well.  My friends, my family, my brothers and sisters in Christ.  These things that REQUIRE my attention, not my love life, not my work, not meaningless banter.  God is allowing the enemy to destroy everything I think is important so that i may see what really is.  When all is lost, everything is gained.

If my family has to be lost so that i may better understand on how to properly raise my own, fine.  If i have to lose the grudges agaisnt my family to better understand on how to properly raise my own, then fine as well.  What i want WILL NOT MATTER to ME.  I am lost.  He knows where i am and i do not.  He is my light, my salvation, my guide.  Screw my life and all its worth in terms of flesh for it is not me who is worth anything.  If the Lord is not the absolute pinnacle of my life value, then of what value am i?

If that is the case, I know i am worth this life.  I know that God shed blood for me to be with him.  I know that the blood of the Son runs within my veins now.  With every heartbeat i move closer to him.  every little thing within me is being penetrated with the Spirit of God so that i may know him, that i may understand him.  I want nothing more than to truly know him the way he wants to be known.  And if losing myself is the only way, then it really is the only way.

My family may suck in terms of direct blood.  But the family given to be by Christ is stronger than anything i could ever imaging, and is more valuable than anything else i could ever ask for.  my best friend and brother, i have you to thank for giving the Gift of Christ to me. I love you Josh.

***for Josh and I talking for two hours after writing this***

I'm glad that you know the truth.  I love seeing you grow with her in Him, and i love being able to see it every day.  God has blessed this house, He has blessed us, and until the day we die i plan to be in ministry with you in any way that i can.

Family Pt1/2

Over thanksgiving break I realized a few things.

A. My family has some serious issues with one another.

B. I do NOT have my anger under control

C. Both of those need attention, and in order.



Thursday I saw most my personal/extended family for lunch, as usual, alcoholics, crack addicts, people fresh off probation. Found out one of my family members is a hardcore chop shop thief and motorcycle jacker. The rest are liars. My grandfather, grandmother, and immediate family are the only people that have anything good on their records. Maybe even my filthy rich, newly divorced with two kids uncle. Even then, my grandmother drowns out things with pain meds, my grandfather is incessantly racist, my mother is a two face, my father is a sarcastic ass, and my sister is turning into an emo version of me at her age.



Needless to say, things didn’t quite go very well. My dad pretty much said “no more thanksgivings for us” at the only thanksgiving i’ve had with my family in the past four years…



However, after firing a few shells out of my Mossberg into the woods, i packed up and left without saying goodbye. No one really cares there anyway. From there i went to my good friend Eddie’s thanksgiving. Cuban family, Cuban/American family friends, and normal friends. The people were Godly, wholesome, and focused on the Lord. They even invited us back for “Cuban Day” on Friday. Of course I went.



We ate some very good food, had some very good conversation, played card games, and hung out for hours. End of a great day. Even got a few things from Sears on the black friday sale.

Saturday, things went to hell. Call client, hes in Minnesota and forgot to tell me. Call friend that was gonna work with me, got stuck babysitting his grandson. Try to salvage day. Got the hard(or at least what I thought was hard) part over with cutting the countertop. Went to HD to get supplies to put a sink into it. managed to screw up what i bought. left since it was late and had to let caulk dry anyway. Came back home, the entire way back feeling more like a steaming pile of crap.

Went to publix to get a frozen pizza so josh and i could catch up on thanksgiving events. Got home and could barely function, asked josh to turn oven on, took a shower. cooked pizza, brought pizza back into my room where we were at, and in no less than five minutes got into the most pointless argument i think we’ve ever had. he slammed the door, i punched a hole clean through the wall.



will continue later…

Knockout

Note to self and everyone reading this:

God WILL beat the crap out of you if you get full of yourself and think you can do everything on your own.
God KNOWS where to hit you to get the most impact.
God LOVES me/you enough to do it.
God DESERVES better than us.

We WILL praise him and follow him in all of his ways.
We KNOW he guides us, and it is up to us to do his will.
We LOVE him, but wander astray constantly.
We DONT DESERVE such a merciful and loving God.

Life

Keane-Spiralling

"I'm waiting for my moment to come
I'm waiting for the movie to begin
I'm waiting for a revelation
I'm waiting for someone to count me in"

This sums up my life at the moment.  However, it's not up to me to start any of that myself. Whatever you've got planned Lord, I'll walk with it, and I'll walk with it proudly.

YAY

Dear criminals of Home Park,

     I love having my car broken into. Please do it more often.
 Love,
 The man that's going to shoot you next time he sees you in his driveway.

Circles

Life for me is starting to *try* to cycle again. But it won't happen.

People have told me things that have reshaped the way I view myself. No longer am I stuck in a pit. I am FREE. God has set me free through Jesus.  I refuse to return to my old ways, and have completely conquered many of my past vices.  Those that remain are stone throws away from being gone for good.  However the stones weigh about 500lbs each. God help me...

God in my life.

In the not too distant future(half an hour) I plan to begin a one year long journey into the depths of God.  I promised both God and my best friend, and man responsible for introducing me to God, that I would press into His word the day Josh finished his one year of spiritual fertilization.  

I sit here in awe looking back at the man I used to be.  I hate what I once was now.  But God is using my past to help others that I cross paths with.  

I was cruel, worked out of fear and forced respect rather than honor and discipline.

I ruined other men's lives, and am responsible for the loss of another's. (as far as I can find out)

I hated everyone.

I only loved myself and a few others.

My life was based around forcing others to respect me, through fear and cruelty.  It forced me into darkness beyond what I ever want to feel again.

I watched people die, and laughed.  

I was evil.

I focused on what benefited myself more than others.

I was an alcoholic.

I was addicted to sex.

I was addicted to work.

On April 21st, 2009, around 11 PM, it all changed in a single verse.

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ"-Philippians 3:8(ESV)

Up till that time, my best friend Josh had been trying to show me the Love that God is since August 28, 2008. After a very rough part of my life I just needed someone to talk to, and I felt the urge to go to him for support. February 13,2009 I broke down on his shoulder as he tried to comfort me. I guess try isn't a good word. He *did* comfort me, he prayed for me, he sat with me as I cried for what seems like the first time in my life.  Josh was what no other friend was.  He loved me the way Christ loves him.  He was the closest I'd ever come to talking with God up to that point.  

Fast forward to March/April and I'm sitting at red lights halfway reading a devotional he gave me.  Nothing special I thought. Just a book that Christians give out to try and convert people, didn't work for me. Sure it had some useful information in there that i had to sit on for a while, but nothing sank in.  I continued my downward spiral of what I could only describe as a *shitstorm* of a life. Working far too much, if I wasn't at work, I was in my girlfriends bed, or in an empty bottle.  Life seemed good. I had a 30K+ Job and 19 years old, turning 20.  I owned 1/3 of the second oldest electrical contractor in the state of Georgia, and managed that third of the company myself.

As April set its foot in the door of my life, business had grown so thin that we had closed our office and had all moved our offices to our homes.  We layed people off what seemed like every other week.  My girlfriend was becoming a bitch, and life in general was getting crazy.  Eventually I ended it with the now ex-gf, who still tries to keep contact(sorry if you've managed to find this, but we both knew it)  About 6 PM on the 21st of April, after a really slow day, my boss called.  We were so far under that we essentially shut down the entire company minus himself, who planned to save it by just using temp agencies to do our work.  My 2001 Chevy 2500, gone. Job, gone. GF, gone.  

about 10 PM that night I was having trouble sleeping, and felt the need to get the devotional out of my car. I did so, left it on the shelf near the bed. About half an hour of trying to sleep I decided that it wouldn't hurt to read something out of it.(Mind you this is a day-to-day devotional, and its April 21st) The first page I hit is July 10th. I'll let y'all guess what was on that page.

I was so moved by the passage that I gave up my life then and there. I texted Josh a brief "I've got something to tell you, but if i call you now I'll wake up the whole house!"

Since then, I've become a servant, a man of peace, a loving man, a loving friend, a defender and enforcer.  I would, and WILL give my life to anyone that God tells me to.  I live for something greater than myself. I've found a strength that can pull a man out of anything.  I've found God.  

He has moved me into Atlanta. He has put me into leadership positions. He has put me in a place of respect out of LOVE. And all that He asked, was that I live for Him.  And I did, and continue to do. Everyday I live.  Without Him I am nothing. Without Him I would be a hopeless soul on a battlefield, with no purpose but something as menial as my *country* and the orders of men.  

Now when I think about where I wanted to go when all else failed. I realize that's where I can do good.  I want to go to the warzones where people are torn and broken spiritually, and save them.  I do not care if they become "Christian" for it is nothing more than a word placed on the western civilizations by the rest of the world. It nothing more than a word for how we live.  If I minister to a Muslim man, I WILL respect his identity in God Almighty.  God shows no favor over his children. Jewish, Christian, Muslim. It matters not. What matters is Christ.

What saved me, can save anyone. The One that saved me, is the Savior of all.

Take The Sky

Blog entry: What does Blue Wind mean when he says that Matt Stretton "wishes he 

came from this type of place."

Well. If this isnt an interesting question I dont know what is.

At first glance, i take it to mean that BW(Blue Wind) means to convey that Matt wishes he had a rough past, a good story, true hardass upbringing. Instead Matt has his rich parents, nanny pampered upbringing and a snazzy new car. BW lives in a rough area, where the families are self destructive, alcoholics, and thieves.  He sells stolen cars for a living, and basically has to do so to support his grandmother and his daughter. Matt sells drugs because its "fun"  BW knows what a hard life is, Stretton never has experienced anything like that kind of lifestyle.  So...yeah. There we go...

A Good Man

As an english assignment, i am to take a song, and tear it apart. In a good way, of course...

I picked Emerson Drive- A Good Man

***

I don’t need a whole lot of money 
But I wouldn’t turn a lottery down
I just need a little green in my pocket
So I can buy my buddies a round
All I want is a place to lay my head with the woman I love lyin’ in my bed
Kind of understated
My dreams aren’t that complicated…

I wanna be the one
When all is said and done
Who lived a good life, loved a good wife, and always helped someone in trouble
On the day they lay me down
I want everyone to gather ‘round
And say he was a father, brother, neighbour and a friend
He was a good man!

I used to dream of being a rock star
And seein’ the world in style
Used to dream of havin’ a fast car
And driving that miracle mile
But I’ve heard tales those streets aren’t paved in gold
They’re full of pot holes and empty souls
Who never learn…
Love is something you gotta earn

I wanna be the one
When all is said and done
Who lived a good life, loved a good wife, and always helped someone in trouble
On the day they lay me down
Want everyone to gather ‘round
And say he was a father, brother, neighbour and a friend
He was a good man!

When I’m gone, I wanna leave a legacy
Of love and laughs and honesty behind me
Behind me…

I wanna be the one
When all is said and done
Who lived a good life, loved a good wife, and always helped someone in trouble
On the day they lay me down
Want everyone to gather ‘round
And say he was a father, brother, neighbour and a friend
He was a good man…

Yaaaaa…I wanna be a good man…a father, a brother, a neighbour, and a friend
I wanna be a good man!

***In my opinion, its about a man who wants nothing more than to be a strong simple man everyone can look up to and respect. His aspirations are not above means, and he only desires to live life as a normal man. A good man.

1: What were the songs each of you choose individually (song name and artist)?

Emerson Drive- A Good Man

2: What was the song you choose as a group, and why (song name and artist)?

I wonder.

3: What is the song about?

In my opinion, its about a man who wants nothing more than to be a strong simple man everyone can look up to and respect. His aspirations are not above means, and he only desires to live life as a normal man. A good man.

4: How do you know? Support your assertion.

I may sound a bit idealistic, but i believe he straight up says he wants to be a good man. In all seriousness though. The things he wants in life are not those of the rich, powerful, or poor, or weak. He wants normality, a steady life of helping others, loving his family and friends.

5: Why was it worth choosing/writing about? What about the song appealed to
the group?

Its the song that i try to live by.  I only want a normal life. I want to have a family, I dont want a lot of money, and i want to be remembered as a man who tried to make everyone elses life better.

6: Does it have a video? Does this video alter or augment your perception of the
song? If so, how?

The video is in one part, very good at portraying the "Good Man" on the other part, its the band playing in a barn with splices of hard working real men in videos or pictures being thrown in. Sorry, but country songs arent the best for videos...then again nor is rap.  It doesnt alter my perceptions of the lyrics at all though.

7: How does the music affect how you interpret the lyrics?

Well, its country music with a nice twang in it. Normally i associate things like that to "Good 'ole country boy" or back woods redneck in AL. But, i like to stick to the former rather than the latter. The country music fits my mental image of a good man very well, being raised by people who grew up very southern, theres no way to escape that thought.

8: If you were to create a video of this song, what would it be like?

I would most likely remove the band entirely and only show "Good Men" It would give more support to the lyrics, and less from the band. Making the words more impactive.

Midtown

I've covered bases of most random aspects of my life, but i've left out something incredibly important. My church. 

It was called Midtown Community Church(MCC), now its Grace @ Midtown. Grace Fellowship church in snellville started up the church by supporting an older church in atlanta. An older crowd, older building, and baptist. Eventually after the older crowd began growing weary of financial difficulties they handed the church over to Grace. Midtown is a very young church, maybe three years old, and we are already a huge part of our community. I've been going there since the end of April. I've worked there to relandscape, rewire, rebuild, repaint, anything laborwise you can think of. I'm also a greeter and usher for at least one service every sunday. MCC has become such a part of my life that most of my friends have been made there recently.  God is moving so fluidly through the people at the church that we are dancing around worshiping, and tend to intimidate the older crowd from our intense worship and love of the Lord. When i say we get into it, i mean it. We Get Into It. We get into Him. The love that we have in and at MCC is amazing...

Whoa! What?! ANOTHER ALREADY?????

As I'm sitting here pumping these things out like a cow is sucked dry of milk whether it's willing or not, I realize that I keep the most bizarre set of furnishings in my room. I've got this enormous 28" black LCD monitor, black 5.1 surround sound, black keyboard, black/blue mouse, black PC tower. OK, so thats kinda normal right? I assume you're fine with the black office storage, black wireframe notepad holders, organizers, pencil holders, ect. How about the gunmetal Business card holder? So you're with me so far...

Now for the fun part.

Next to all this, on the white cherry and black particle board corner desk, i have this beautiful antique lamp. You know, the brass base, elegant slopes and curves, candleholder looking bulb casing. Well, behind it i have this awesome tribal pattern sheet that i use as blinds. Its tan with black tribal designs all over it...i'll see if i can find a picture of something like it later.  Its not quite done getting wierd. I've got a sleepnumber bed on a junky pine bedframe stained to look like red oak, and a cedar/black nightstand on wheels looking thing holding a silver plastic alarm clock.  Oh, and did i mention the entire room is trying to sqeeze itself around an awesome looking fireplace! Also, did i mention that it doesnt work!  Yeah, thats snazzy...i had to vacuum dirt and soot out of it and restuff fiberglass up the chimney to keep homeless people and small animals out to make it suitable to look at too...

Now if thats not enough of a "WTF" collection, i've got a 17" Miter Saw sitting in my floor staring at me along with a huge box of Craftsmen power tools and my tool best in the corner...leaning up against 2 spare matresses behind the door...with a mirror leaning agaisnt them...then theres my trusty Mossberg 500 with beanbag shells loaded in it sitting under my bed.

Like i said, Already ran out of ideas. Maybe there will be more tonight...2 down, 4 to go? at least i've got till tuesday :/

(or do i?)

Ok, so i've been behind.

Well. I've been a bit busy, so who's ready for an influx of massive blog entries? I know I'm not, but oh well, what has to be done will be done!

As an extension of my last post, my friends Brian and Josh.

I met Brian in middle school, but didn't really get to know him too well until high school. We had MULTIPLE art classes together, and became very close friends, even if he was mildly afraid of me xD  

Josh i didn't meet until senior year of high school, and met through Brian. Josh and I are almost inseparable, and are like a tag team ministry duo for our friends and those we meet. Both these guys have completely changed my life. 

I enjoy art even though i don't have the same skills they have. Brian is good with pen, pencil, and marker, as well as mouse. Josh is amazingly skilled as a graphic designer, and has some pretty good skill with a pencil as well. I can pretty much do geometric shapes and intricate, yet random designs.  Through Brian I learned how to be more outgoing, and then I taught Josh. Josh taught me how to truly love someone(no homo), and now we're both trying to teach Brian. We're all brothers, Josh's parents refer to me as their "Other Son" and Brian's parents treat me like they treat him as well. 

Another thing i learned through them, is how amazing we are at Halo xD

Friends

So, as a brief summarization of everything in my life, friends are everything *worldly* that i love. I'll take another best friend over a girlfriend any day. My friends in this picture brought me out of my family and shared thier own with me. Which did nothing but make my life better. If you ever ask me how much my friends mean to me, i will answer,"i'll die for them." Thats the pure truth to it. God has given me the experiences in my life to protect others over myself.  My friends mean the world to me(free for interpretation) I love these two in the picture like brothers, and in many senses, we are. Our friends shape our own lives, personalities, and psychology. We need to focus more on loving them for being who they are, and helping us find who we really are.

This picture was taken right after my baptism on August 16th 2009. My best friend Brian on the left, myself in the center, and the person who knows more about me than i do, and my brother, Josh on the right.  I love theses two more than i could ever put into words. God bless yall.

WOOOOOOOOOO

So, my brother/best friend Josh has been praying for his sister for almost a year. Tonight he came in estatic, worshipping, praising the lord. Well, apparently in her journey at UGA she plugged herself into a few church organizations trying to find something to do. Guess what, tonight she gave her life to the Lord!!!!

This feels like my own sister got saved xD

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

Welcome

Here's my blog. Enjoy...?