So, back to the wall. There's a nice 6x6 hole in my bedroom/closet wall. My thumb is swollen from taking a huge chunk of the wall all by itself, and can't move it. I'm literally vibrating with rage that i havent felt since early/mid april. and it scared the piss out of me. i thought i had changed, i thought i was done with that old part of me, i thought i knew when to be angry, i thought i was better. My hand, my wall, my mind, and body said otherwise at that moment. as i sat there trying to move my thumb, all i felt was disgrace, failure, nothing God gave me...
I texted josh about my thumb once i thought we had both calmed down enough. Had him pull my thumb back in place/relive pressure. we sat down, he looked at the wall, and back at me and immediately knew something was really, really wrong. we sat and talked for a bit about my family, and pretty much admitted to him that he's always been my best friend, my closest family, and my brother.
***
to give background, i've been working since i was 14 or so. my first job i got from a guy at my old church. he needed someone competent that could fix things. my first job, i was given five employees, and a management title. my parents have never really been there for me, so this gave me my own life away from them, to forget about them. worked 8-4 every day, made tons of money. hung out with friends, lived with them almost. School started back, gave up that job, money was still there, even got into college with that money. when i moved out into the dorms at SPSU my mom flat out said don't come home anymore.
As for josh, i met him senior year of high school, and always felt drawn towards him. To be 100% honest it confused the hell out of me. for the first year we knew each other we would hang out and play video games together all the time, even when we got to college. him at GSU and me at SPSU. both of us leading secret lives that we never really knew about until recently(year or so, and i still have things to clear up on my end) josh, since summer between high school and college, has been the closest friend i've ever had. He would stay with me on thursday nights at SPSU, then we would go to his parents house for the weekend to do laundry and eat amazing food. His family sheltered me, loved me, fed me, even clothed me a few times. They still do. His family essentially adopted me. They started calling me their other son.
my family...well, they continued saying "don't come home" up until the next summer, in which they reluctantly let me move back in. however, i found a job as a contractor, and soon returned to my normal routine of never being home. In earlier posts i typed out a breif version of my testimony. summed up version for the sake of context and time. I owe everything i have to Josh and God. he was the only person that could have saved me, and he did.
***
back to the story. i talked about how frustrating it is to spend time with my family, then see/spend time with a Godly, wholesome family. to see what i *should* be.
it was like throwing barrels of gunpowder into a small room. josh and i's argument was the catalyst that set it all off...spiritual warfare at its most underhanded best.
I've made it a point that when/if i raise a family, i will NOT let it end up like my current. i REFUSE to fail where my parents did, my failures may be close my but success with dwarf theirs. i will raise my family with Christ, not man. the accomplishments of man is a pile of steaming manure compared to God's. I cannot fail with God as the center of my family, I cannot fail at anything with God as the focus.
Currently my life is crumbling because i am still holding on to what I want. not what He wants. I'm searching for things he has told me not to. I want things He has forbidden. I'm looking in all the wrong places as well. My friends, my family, my brothers and sisters in Christ. These things that REQUIRE my attention, not my love life, not my work, not meaningless banter. God is allowing the enemy to destroy everything I think is important so that i may see what really is. When all is lost, everything is gained.
If my family has to be lost so that i may better understand on how to properly raise my own, fine. If i have to lose the grudges agaisnt my family to better understand on how to properly raise my own, then fine as well. What i want WILL NOT MATTER to ME. I am lost. He knows where i am and i do not. He is my light, my salvation, my guide. Screw my life and all its worth in terms of flesh for it is not me who is worth anything. If the Lord is not the absolute pinnacle of my life value, then of what value am i?
If that is the case, I know i am worth this life. I know that God shed blood for me to be with him. I know that the blood of the Son runs within my veins now. With every heartbeat i move closer to him. every little thing within me is being penetrated with the Spirit of God so that i may know him, that i may understand him. I want nothing more than to truly know him the way he wants to be known. And if losing myself is the only way, then it really is the only way.
My family may suck in terms of direct blood. But the family given to be by Christ is stronger than anything i could ever imaging, and is more valuable than anything else i could ever ask for. my best friend and brother, i have you to thank for giving the Gift of Christ to me. I love you Josh.
***for Josh and I talking for two hours after writing this***
I'm glad that you know the truth. I love seeing you grow with her in Him, and i love being able to see it every day. God has blessed this house, He has blessed us, and until the day we die i plan to be in ministry with you in any way that i can.
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